Being a mother has changed me. Changed me in a good way and a not-so-good way. First of all I have this love for Madeline I could not understand until now. A love that is so deep it shapes my actions, thoughts, how I do my daily life. I know that this love is from God. It is such a blessing to me. I can't begin to describe the immense joy I have when I watch her sleep, play with her, talk to her, etc.
But, I am struggling with this love. Struggling because it seems too much for me to bear. I have allowed worry, fear, and heartache to enter because of this love I feel. I am really having a hard time thinking about going back to work. Every time I think about it, I hold her a little closer, and cherish the time I am at home with her a little more. I worry about who will watch her when I go to work, I fear what she will do all day while I am at work, will she develop normally, will she be safe, will she be loved and cared for. My heart aches at the thought of leaving her all day to work. And then the guilt sets in. I feel guilty when I leave her at the gym babysitting area for one hour, when I'm on a morning run and not there to feed her in the morning (she has a bottle), if I take her places and she misses her daily routine, and on and on and on.
I have realized that this is not okay. This is a way that Satan has gotten to me. I am praying that I will have a peace about going to work- or He will work something out for me. I am praying for a loving, caring person to watch her, I am praying that I can feel this love for her and not allow Satan to add guilt or worry in with it. This is my new struggle as a mother and I think it's here to stay for a while.
2 comments:
Wow Jennifer, I can only imagine.. I'm so sorry for your current struggle. I am praying that you will find peace and answers in Him. Let us know how it turns out.
I wish you could meet my friend Deonna. She basically supported her family, she's a radiologist.
Anyway, with her third baby, she just felt like God was telling her to stop working and stay home.
It was one of those impossible situations, for them to be able to make it on just her husband's salary.
But she decided to be obedient and trust that God would bless the decision to stay home.
Anyway, she's been home now for 2 years and homeschools all three of her girls, and has the fourth one due in about 2 months. She says they have not once missed her paycheck, that God has truly provided all their needs.
If it's truly what your heart is wanting, then God will definitley bless you for the sacrifice you choose to make. Nothing is more important to God than the family, and there are so many things that God says about raising children.
We saw a story of a woman who made over $100K and chose to stay home. Her husband said it was the best decision they ever made, and Jay said to me,
"You staying home is worth much much more than $100K." He's right, it's priceless in earthly terms and will only make you even richer in kingdom terms. All of Madeline's memories will be with you, not a babysitter, which in her little heart, will truly be priceless.
I'll be praying for you. I don't think this is a bad change. I think it's a good change. If you wanted to get away from her and leave her with a total stranger, I would worry. Maybe it's not the devil working on you, maybe it's God.
Post a Comment