It is a strange feeling to me to look back to last year at this time. It seems very recent- all the memories very clear in my mind. Next week was the week I went out on maternity leave. This year has been filled with so many different emotions. I love being a mom. I feel so blessed to have such a precious daughter. My days are filled with laughter and happiness- she really is a good baby!
At the same time, there have been so many other emotions I've struggled with this year. I think the biggest one is isolation and feeling alone. I know that I've brought some of this on myself because most days I just want to stay home with Madeline rather than see other people. However, I have felt a strain in my friendships as well. Friendships have always been important to me, and they still are. I know that I am probably not putting as much time or effort into them now. More than that, I feel a distance in most of my friendships. I can't figure this out. It is really perplexing and bothers me. I couldn't have changed THAT much as a mom?? I keep praying that God will restore these friendships and reveal to me what I have done, if anything, to cause a problem in them.
I've also found this amazing new community of mommys that have been wonderful. I am so thankful for one mom in particular who takes her baby (a little older than Madeline) to the same daycare. As new moms, we have shared our struggles, baby secrets, and encouragement this year. I pray I can be a light in her dark world and am blessed by her friendship.
On a lighter note, I feel like I've traded in my faster-Pentium 4 processor brain for a much slower AMD version. It takes me MUCH longer to process information now. I can have a conversation and hours later still be mulling it over in my head. And- when the conversation is going on- it seems to whir by me at lightening speed. This probably doesn't make sense- which is something my husband says happens a lot more now. I speak a different language most of the time- mom language. It is not easily understood by other adults, husbands or students. It's not that I'm talking "baby talk" even, it's just the normal words coming out in a weird order now, or I not thinking of the right word at all. (Probably that slow processor to blame)
Priorities- I really didn't want them to change, and I fought it, and then, I gave in. I really struggle with making myself do things away from Madeline. Like working out. I LOVED it before baby. Now, I enjoy it, but would rather spend time with her. Which would explain why this baby weight is still hanging around! I have 5 lbs to go and lots of extra padding to get rid of still.
I am still searching for balance in my life. Something I hope to achieve within this next year.
God is teaching me how to me a patient, caring, understanding teacher this year. I can now see my students as someone's child, and it makes me treat them differently.
I really am not ready for this year to pass. I am loving each new stage and that life is getting easier (oh how I love my sleep filled nights!), but I don't want her to get old so fast. I just need things to slow down.
That's what's been on my mind for a while. Did you have some of the same feelings as a new mom? Please tell me things will get better- Did my brain fall out with my hair or will it wake up again one day?
3 comments:
I can really relate; working from home I feel isolated and even more so after I had a baby! Know you are not alone.
Stacy
Life changes, and having a baby distanced me from friendships as much as getting married distanced me from single friends. The good thing, though, is that eventually, it doesn't really matter anymore.
What once was so important, all those wonderful friendships, are not nearly as important, or as fulfilling, as family and time with the kids.
It's important to keep friendships, but with kids, it doesn't mean you have to have a girl's night out once a month, or lunch or any of those old things, because your kids need you more than you need to always be out with your friends. Although, a night away ever so often, or a night in with all the kiddos, is good too. We need adult interaction, but our kids need us more. And that's why it's okay, and it's not so bad after a while of getting used to it.
And it only gets worse as they get older and have ball practice and games, adn field trips and events, adn contests, etc. that take up every spare moment leaving none for socialization of your own, and the same will be true of your friends as well. YOur socialization becomes the other parents involved in those same activities, to get in adult conversation while they practice soccer drills, etc.
Just remember to get out some, but nothing is better, more rewarding, or relaxing and healthy, than being with her more than you are away. So, if you don't want to go get a work out, stay home and play with Madeline instead and get a good workout while making her laugh. You'll both be happier for it.
My kids looooove it when I get in the middle of the living room and workout, because they either crawl all over me loving the time to tackle mama, or they love getting down and doing it all with me while I laugh at all their silly antics.
It's a new season of life, less friends, less brain power, more kids and more messes, but much more wonderful than any before!
And I don't remember how smart I was before, but I know my brain has not returned, yet I've grown wiser in so many other ways!
I wish I could help.. I'm just starting to lose my brain (for real) and am just heading into all you've already gone into...
Hope it gets better. I do understand about feeling isolated and lonely (even abandoned) by friends. I think it's adulthood and different stages of life. It stinks. It's not dorm life anymore!
Romans 15:13 is my verse I'm clinging to this week. He gives us hope, we can't even do that on our own!
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